Many people think women "should just leave - I would"! On average, it takes 7 tries for a woman to leave a violent relationship. There are reasons why they stay. Being a woman can mean, "caring for others". Being a man can mean being tough and ruling the roost". This combination of caring and ruling can mean the relationship goes on. Feeling "in love", thinking of children's needs, constant "sorry" or promises to change, or getting threats like "I can't go on without you" can lead to choices to stay in a relationship. It can be very scary to step out on your own and leave. Your rights and needs are important. You are the one to stick up for them.

Violence in relationships is different in every situation. Some things in society make it worse.

In western culture (not just parents but also movies, school systems, magazines…):

• men are taught, role modelled and expected to be superior, in control and tough.
• women are taught, role modelled and expected to be caring, comforting and forgiving

This culture can mean men expect women to "do as they are told", to "look after their man" or they may treat women like an object or possession. Women sometimes feel that having a partner is the most important thing to them and without one they mean nothing. They might try to look after and nurture them, please them or be what they want them to be. This pattern can lead to violence. For more information on this, read the topic 'Violence'.

Some things in individuals can contribute to violence, eg growing up in a violent home, jealousy or possessiveness, even feeling inadequate.  Whatever the cause, the person who is violent needs to deal with it, not the other partner.

An equal relationship that allows you to grow and be yourself will have respect. This means your partner will:

• let you feel good about yourself
• understand and accept it when you say no to things you don't want to do
• accept it if you change your mind or have your own opinion
• admit he's wrong and talk honestly and openly to sort out fights
• negotiate and compromise
• let you feel safe when you are around him
• value and respect you and your rights as a human being.

You have the right to feel respected! Many people say trust is also most important in an equal relationship. Where do you see these fit in your relationship? How might you make abuse become less in your life (remembering you can't change someone else)? How might you make respect become a big part of your life?

If you are wanting respect as a big part of your life here are some things you might like to consider.

• What is going on in your relationship? - Some people like to make a list.
• What does your partner get out of it? What messages does he get about abuse?
• How has abuse/violence affected your life? Think about different areas of your life like school, family, friends, work, money, social life, your ambitions etc. See What violence can do for some ideas.
• How does abuse/violence make you feel?

• What messages does abuse/violence give you about yourself?
• How might these messages and feelings affect you as your life goes on?
• What strengths have you used to not let this take over your life?
• How might these strengths help you stand up to abuse and take back your life?
• How might you invite respect into your life?
• What things do you do or have that make you feel good, happy, strong, confident…?
• What people will support respect in your life and help you to reject abuse?
• What are your plans? What do you want to achieve? How might you do that?

Some people like to write a plan of what they want to do and how they will do it. Others like to keep a journal and write how they are feeling during their experience. Remember trust yourself, know it is not your fault and know you don't deserve to be treated this way. You are strong to have put up with this and to have kept going. Get into having some fun and enjoying your life! You deserve it!

Your safety is of utmost importance. Think of things you can do to protect yourself.

If you require emergency assistance call the police immediately. You can not stop the violence. Violence is unpredictable.

Here are some other tips:

• Tell people. Tell your family and friends and get them to help protect you. Tell the police. Tell your employer or school counsellor.
• Surround yourself with people you feel safe with.
• Have things written down so if he does any thing else you have the history. You can have things documented by the police without having to take any action. Or you can keep your own log with dates and things that occurred (this can be used as evidence in court).
• Write down and memorise the number of the police.  Call them if you are in danger.
• Try to avoid situations where you might be alone with him.
• Take as much control as possible. Think ahead about your safety and situations where he could come into contact with you alone. Make plans so you aren't alone.
• Ring or speak to someone for advice. Some places have a special phone line for violence.   See Resourcesnext page.
• Get as much information as you can.
• If you are living with a violent partner and you want to leave, have a safety plan worked out. You might hide some money away, have clothes packed in a suitcase, or organised somewhere to stay. Think about things like bank accounts, credit cards, marriage or birth certificates and passports. Crisis and domestic violence services can help you.  
• Organise somewhere safe to stay - a friend or relative, someone he doesn't know. There is also a range of temporary housing available.
• Try and cut any way he can contact you. Change phone numbers or e-mail address. Get other people to answer the phone or take messages. The less options he has the less he can contact you.
• Make arrangements for children or pets if you are scared for their safety.
• If you want to break it off and you are worried about his reaction, do it over the phone or when other people are around.
• Get legal advice. You can take out a restraining order or charge for any criminal offences.
• Write out your safety plan.

These are just a few hints for you to think about your safety and possibly the safety of your child/children.