If you are in a violent relationship, you might begin to notice a certain way that events happen. Relationship violence can sometimes feel confusing. You might notice a pattern to the violence that might be something like this:

You might use this to see what is going on in your relationship. Please remember: A violent partner CAN control his violence, but HE must choose to control it.

It is up to YOU to think about your own well being.

Relationship violence can do all sorts of things to the way you feel, act or what you do. Here are some things people have said.

• I felt on-edge all the time, like I had to be really wary.
• I lost heaps of confidence in myself.
• I was scared. Scared of him and what he might do to himself or me or the kids.
• I constantly did what I thought he wanted.
• I need to please him all the time.
• I was unhappy. Unhappy with myself and unhappy with my life.
• I had never thought my life would be like this.
• I lost who I was, what I liked and my own opinions. I lost my life!
• I never knew what mood he'd be in.
• I tried to be nice so I didn't upset him.
• I thought it was my fault.
• I thought I deserved it.
• I felt like I wasn't good enough for him. Or any one else for that matter.
• I was too embarrassed to tell anyone because they'd think I was weak or stupid.
• I didn't think people would believe me and I was just making a big fuss about nothing.
• I felt alone. He'd driven my friends away and told me bad things about them.
• My work at uni and work really started to take a dive.
• I made excuses for him. The day after, it was always less bad than when it was happening.
• I started to wonder whether I was just making a big deal out of nothing.
• I got drunk all the time and smoked tonnes of pot.
• I couldn't sleep; I got headaches and felt sick all the time.
• I avoided saying what I really thought in case he got angry.
• At first I could not believe it, that this had happened to me! Then I got angry.

A myth is a mistaken idea about violence. Your situation is yours and you know best. This is a way of getting as much information as possible for you to make your own choices about your own life.

Violence is never a way to sort things out. Saying you "deserved to get hit" is an excuse for violence. "If you stopped your nagging" or "did what I said" are ways of blaming you and making you feel like violence is your fault. Violence is never your fault. It is up to the person who uses violence to find other ways to deal with stress or to work out problems. No one deserves to be abused.

It is said one in three women will be hit by a partner at some time and one in eight will experience on-going abuse! 

Many people have experienced a similar situation to you. You do not need to be ashamed of what someone else does. Violence aimed at you is not your fault and you do not have to cover it up for someone else. Your safety and happiness are most important. You have the right to feel safe and to not live in fear.

Violence is not only what is done to you physically.  Emotional and verbal abuse slowly make you feel worthless and like there is something wrong with you. Other kinds of violence can make you feel alone, stupid or that you "should do as you are told".

When you feel this way it might make you think that you have no choice but to "take it". Remember, you always have a range of choices, it may just not seem that way! You've got the right to be treated with respect, enjoy your youth and fulfil your dreams.

Lots of violence happens when someone is drunk or on drugs. Lots of people become drunk or use drugs and do not become violent. Drugs and alcohol do not cause violence; they are an excuse for violence. Violent behaviour is a choice. It is based on someone's belief that violence is an OK way to sort things out.