Sometimes in relationships dominance or control or jealousy can be mistaken for love. This topic is about hurt, power, control and feeling bad in a relationship. It is written for people who are on the receiving end of violence. It will bust myths about relationships and look at how to keep as safe as possible.

In heterosexual relationships, women are more often hurt by men, however, relationship violence also happens in gay and lesbian relationships or is done by women to men. If you are hurting other people, refer to the 'Violence' topic to find some tips.

Warning!

If you need emergency assistance, call the police immediately (000 in Australia). Other Resources are listed below.

You may find some of these sound familiar.

• Do you do things to avoid your partner getting angry because you are nervous about what  might happen?
• Have you been told, "you drive me to hurt you" and "you should change" for the abuse to stop?
• Does your partner say you are useless, stupid and wrong?
• Is your partner always checking every detail of what you do or feel?
• Have you been made to think you are not good enough?
• Has your partner embarrassed you and your friends so your friends don't hang around any more?
• Does your partner threaten suicide or say "I can't go on without you"?
• Has your partner yelled at you, punched holes in the wall, lost it or hit you?
• Have you been accused of being with others?
• Are you told that it's because of "the drugs or alcohol", "my terrible childhood' or because "I can't control my temper"?

A healthy relationship needs more than love. It lets you feel loved, respected and able to be yourself. You may see some of the warning signs, but still think "it's not that bad".

Feeling scared, embarrassed or pressured does not let you feel OK about being yourself. Noticing the warning signs early and protecting yourself (maybe leaving the relationship) can prevent the cycle (see the Cycle of violence later) going on and on and on and on, each time getting harder and harder and harder for you to leave!

Violence or abuse is when someone uses power or control or anger to make someone else feel hurt, scared or humiliated. In a relationship there can be a pattern of this behaviour that is used to get someone to do what another person wants. Control or manipulation or jealous or possessive behaviour can be confused with love. Love is not any of these things.

Abuse, violence or control can happen in different ways:

Physical acts that hurt or scare you are abuse, whether they cause injury that you can see or not. This can be things like holding, shoving, pushing, restraining, torturing, driving a car dangerously to scare you, punching, biting, threatening, kicking, burning, throwing or smashing personal objects, punching holes in walls or doors, hurting or killing pets, breaking things or using a weapon. Harming or threatening to hurt someone is a criminal offence.

Using threats or put-downs to get what they want, or to make you feel bad about yourself is emotional abuse. This can be things like calling you names, talking in a scary way, threatening to hurt or kill you, giving you scary "looks", telling you you're crazy, stupid or useless, or purposely making you feel bad about yourself. Emotional abuse can hurt as much as physical abuse. It can actually be very destructive.

Sexual abuse can be things like forcing you to have sex, demanding or tricking you into doing sexual things, having sex with you when you have been drinkingor taking drugs, or when you were asleep or unconscious and not aware of what was going on, using objects or treating you like a sex object. Sexual relationships should always be by choice of both partners.   Any form of rape or sexual assault is a criminal offence.

Social abuse

Using your social life to control you or make you feel bad about yourself is social abuse. You might have to do everything together, not be allowed to choose your own friends, have to stop seeing your family or friends, or have them feel unwelcome when they're around. You might not be allowed to go out, or have to tell every detail about what you have been doing. You may be wrongfully accused of "getting on" with other people or be put down in public. Social abuse is a form of control.

Money can be used as a way of getting power over someone. This means things like making you dependent for money, forcing you to beg or do other things for money, keeping control of all money matters, stopping you from getting a job, gambling or selling your things without your permission.

Your partner might use religion, faith or cult beliefs as a form of control or to hurt you. You might be prevented from keeping your own faith, forced to participate in beliefs or ceremonies you don't want to, scared or hurt by the use of certain beliefs. This can be a very powerful form of control and make you do things you don't want to do.